Today was a very rough day with Maya. She was doing well for a while, seemed to be making real progress with her therapies, but the past few weeks have seen a fair amount of regression.
The echolalia and pacing have increased again, as have the frequency and intensity of the meltdowns, both the predictable ones and the where the f*ck did that come from ones.
I feel worn out. I feel like I'm failing my daughter. I'm trying so hard, but I'm just not able to reach her right now, not able to be the parent that she needs, whatever the f*ck that is. I'm so tired, and so frustrated, and completely out of patience. It's getting harder to see the small steps forward among the bigger ones backwards.
Jay and I have a meeting scheduled with Maya's therapist Wednesday morning. Right now I'm feeling like she's not making the progress I'd expect, or at least that I'm hoping for, but maybe she'll have some insights into all of this.
I just want to be able to ask my daughter a simple question like "are you hungry?" and be sure that I'm not going to get an earful of Dora in return. Or worse, ignored completely. I'm just worn out from all the cajoling I have to do lately to get her to engage in any kind of meaningful communication. How in god's name am I supposed to send her off to public kindergarten next year, in a shark's pool of 35 children, one teacher, and one aide? Her peers are getting more socially sophisticated with each passing month while she gets left behind. How on earth will she find her place?
Her teachers say she's doing really well in school, participating beautifully, that you'd hardly realize there was an issue. I guess she saves up all the shit for when she's at home. Every time I allow myself to even consider having a third child we have a week, or a month, like this and I realize that I must be insane. I'm barely coping as it is. I'd have to be crazy to think that I could add another child to this mix.
She is so intelligent, and can be so charming, and funny, and clever, and just all around wonderful, and then we have days like today, where just getting her to agree to get dressed nearly sparks World War III.
I'm just so damn tired.
I love her with all my heart and soul, but it's just so damn hard sometimes.