Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Nut Of The Month Club

Scribbit's Write-Away contest for October is about, what else, the things that scare you. As I sat and thought about what to write, the usual litany of Mothers' Greatest Fears ran through my mind. I don't need to list them here, you all know what they are as well as I do. I was sitting there wondering if it would be possible to write about what scares me without dragging myself and everyone around me into a black pit of despair when I heard a disembodied voice on the television say something that drove those thoughts straight out of my head and made my blood run cold. Scared the living daylights out of me I tell you. (And by the way, while we're on the subject, what on earth are living daylights anyway? Or dead daylights, for that matter?)

The voice suggested that a delightful gift for a loved one would be membership in the Nut Of The Month Club.

The Nut Of The Month Club.

The Nut Of The Month Club? Are they insane? Apparently they are if they think I'm going to cough up $129.99 for the privilege of having a new lunatic show up at my home every four weeks. And how would this work exactly? Would the straight-jackets be color coordinated for the seasons? Printed with turkeys or cornucopias for Thanksgiving? Candy canes at Christmas?

Can you imagine the catalog you'd get in the mail...

Treat your loved one or business associate to a wonderfully unique gift, helping him remember you all through the year. Each month, recipients in our Nut Of The Month Club will receive a new and unique gift wrapped Nut. The first month's selection will be accompanied by a gift card with the greeting of your choice. All nuts will be shipped from our headquarters in Looneyville, Some State, by the 2th of the month. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Pre-screened selections for 2008 will be:

January: Mr. Freeze, comes complete with lethally sharp 6-foot icicle (note: The Nut Of The Month Club is not responsible for the icicle melting if shipped to a climate with temperatures above freezing).

February: The Mad Kisser, accompanying sexual harassment suit optional ($59.99, to be paid at time of order)

March: The Lion King - this very special lunatic believes he is in fact a lion and will come roaring in accordingly. Beware, product contains sharp nails which may cause injury if not properly handled.

April: The Tax Man - the IRS' answer to "going postal".

May: Raving Lunatic - this Nut loves to stand in public places and expound upon his latest conspiracy theories and plan for world domination. Best results will be obtained if he is provided with a proper podium and sound system.

June: The Wedding Flasher - loves to crash flash weddings. Comes with beige Burberry trenchcoat.

July: Pyromaniac - the perfect accompaniment to all those summer fireworks. This extraordinary Nut specializes in lighting up your house to match your holiday pyrotechnics display.

August: The Human Jaws. Specializes in surprise lakehouse and beachside appearances. Comes with soundtrack.

September: Babbling Fool. This Nut suffered a tragic homework overdose in his youth and now stumbles through town babbling about quadratic equations and the capital of Peru.

October: The Great Pumpkin. This lunatic is quite human, but believes himself to be the reincarnation of the Great Pumpkin himself. Wears nothing but strategically-placed pumpkins and throws seeds and pumpkin innards at any who dare to mock.

November: Standard Model Axe-Wielding Lunatic. Axe can be upgraded to a chainsaw for an additional $79.99.

December: Santa's Helper. This last Nut of 2008 will arrive wearing a red and green fur-trimmed suit. He runs through malls screaming "there is no such thing as Santa, it's only your parents you idiots" at the top of his lungs. Note: this model is not recommended for households with children under age 8.

Please note that these products are seasonal, and as such no substitutions are possible.

I don't know about you, but the Nut Of The Month Club scares the stuffing out of me. You can bet that this gift that keeps on giving is not on my shopping list this year. Sheesh. I can't believe some marketer actually got paid for dreaming this up. The gullibility of the public never ceases to amaze me. What on earth will they come up with next?


Anonymous said...

Hee hee! You are too funny!

Pen said...

If you think that is scary... wait until you see what I get you for your birthday ((LOL)) Just kidding.

This was hilarious. I can't believe it. Who thinks up these things??

Anonymous said...

Cracking up!

Scribbit said...

I LOVE the title to that post, I love it when there's one that sets itself apart.

Unknown said...

I think, after reading this, that YOU are the October "Nut of the Month". Quick, you really need that vacation in Florence.


Robin said...

It can't come soon enough for me Helena - 24 days and counting!

Anonymous said...

OMG, Robin you crack me up!!

I especially liked the December one.

Florence here you come!!

Jo said...

Weird, just plain weird. But funny, well your take anyhow!

Ice Cream said...

Where can I sign up for this membership? Very cute.

Anonymous said...

The Nut of the Month Club is just the kind of excitement we need around here. What's the phone number?

Anonymous said...

Very clever and very funny!

Patois42 said...

That was a fun read. I love your note at the end about no substitutions! Congrats on the honorable mention.

Unknown said...

What a fun way to write about what scares you. Didn't see that coming. I have a nut or two in my life I would like to donate to the club.

Kim @ TheBitterBall

Daisy said...

So funny! And here I thought the title was leading up to a food allergy tale.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my word. You are a mess, girl. I love the way your mind can twist a subject! Babbling Fool indeed.